For me being in my thirties has been a unique sort of challenge. On one hand, it seems like just yesterday I was a teenager and young adult. I remember being reckless, and uncaring of many things. Things that in hind site, perhaps I should have cared about more. I remember midnight trips to Perkins to drink coffee with friends, or to Denny's at 2am to drink vanilla cokes. I remember driving too fast, and playing the music too loud. I remember being free. Not having a care in the world, and just living in the moment. I remember my parents (Who were in their 30's) being sticks in the mud about everything and being SO annoyed by them wanting to know my EVERY move. Controlling, and trying to keep my freedom from me. It really does seem like this all just happen yesterday.
But now.... Now there is a new dynamic. Now I care too much perhaps. Now I am the one controlling. I am the one needing to know my children's every move. I am the one who worries that when they get older they will drive to fast, and play their music too loud. I worry they will fall in with kids who will influence them negatively, or even worse, that they become the negative influencer. I worry about my health. I rarely drink soda anymore, nor do I eat much convenient food. I cook. A lot And going to sleep any later then 10 pm is a HUGE deal! Especially when we all wake up at the wee hour's around 5:00 am each morning!
Just a few short years ago, I would've laughed at anyone who would've told me that I would want to have a small farm, and raise my children to know where their food comes from, because just a few short years ago, I didn't care. If someone had said just a few short years ago that I would be so wrapped up in the workings of our country, I would've told them, "That's doubtful, I hate politics!" And while I still hate politics, I can't help but be hurt, moved, defensive, disgusted, angry, and proud of things that happen with politics and this country. Sometimes there are amazing things, and sometimes there are things that suck. A few short years ago, I did not care about any of it.
It is truly an interesting perspective to have on life when you are in your 30's. It's like you have finally peaked and matured, you understand the importance of things and the importance of life, and you are responsible for the life of others as well. You care about things you never thought possible, while still remembering very clearly what it was like when you didn't care about those things. You become wiser, You become Stronger, but in a sense, maybe you feel like you have lost a part of yourself as well. I know I do. I often yearn for my past, but then I think about all the amazing and wonderful things I have gained from that past, and where it has put me today, and as much as I may miss parts of my past, I would never want to go back. I love the life I have now, and the life I am striving towards. I can't wait to see how I feel when I am in my 40's!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Updates on Life
Well, I have been thinking about writing this post for some time now. Often times I feel it is difficult to do anything extra in life simply because the boys are SO busy. But taking so long to write this post might also have something to do with the fact that overall I just feel ashamed of myself. I've always promised to be honest on my blog and this is no different. My journey is still my journey, even though I have not been on the medifast for about a year now. So we'll start with that part of life, as this specific post is going to be more about life in general rather than just weight loss.
So, as I believe I mentioned in my last post, I have all but given up on my weight loss journey. I never really intended to give up, but if you were to look at me right now, you would never know I was nearly 80 pounds lighter just one year ago. I've exceeded my start weight from when I started on medifast and I have pretty much fallen down this deep dark hole of self pity and self doubt. That is where I am at today. I weigh nearly 350 pounds (Although might be more than that now as I have not stepped on a scale in at least a month) I am struggling with depression and trying to figure out how in the hell people get motivated when they are sitting on their asses killing themselves. Seriously, props to the people who are successful because it is far far far far from easy. Maybe that is the problem, maybe I want something easy.... Well of course I want something easy, who doesn't want easy.... But, I am realistic person and I know that achieving any kind of goal takes a lot of hard work, a great support system, and a lack of self doubt. I live in this weird state of mind where, I know exactly what I need to do, and exactly what needs to happen in my life and my diet in order to be healthy and happy, and yet, I still find it nearly impossible to do these simple actions. Simple yes, easy no....
You would also be surprised how much self doubt and depression can affect your mood towards the other people in your life. I remember when I was on the medifast, I was SO happy, all the time. My relationship with my boys was amazing, I rarely ever yelled at them or lost my temper, I was happy! I was nowhere near my weight loss goal, but I was working towards it and I. Was. Happy. Now I try to be happy. But I lose my temper a lot with my children, I cry a lot, I yell at my kids and quite frankly feel like I am doing a shitty job at this parenting thing. I know it all starts with me and I know what I need to do so why is it so hard??? I want to be a better mom for my boys and a better wife for my husband. I want to be able to be active and not just sit on my ass all the time but I am quite lost and trying to figure out where that motivation is supposed to come from. How do I start? Where do I start? Who's going to help me be accountable? Maybe I don't want to be held accountable. If I am not held accountable I can't disappoint anyone, right? I know a lot of people in my life think I am just flakey, and I can never make up my mind. I think there is a fine line between being flakey and being unhappy and searching for something in a way that really isn't going to make the situation better until you choose to accept that YOU need to change.
See look at all this knowledge and understanding I have. And yet, I just sit here, and do nothing. I know I need to do something. For once in my life I am actually scared that my weight is going to kill me, and not 50 years from now. I hope that my next blog post, whenever it may be, will bring better news of how I have found this willpower to do things I never thought possible! I know I can I'm just still trying to figure out how I guess. I apologize for the rant, but thank you for caring enough to read.
So, as I believe I mentioned in my last post, I have all but given up on my weight loss journey. I never really intended to give up, but if you were to look at me right now, you would never know I was nearly 80 pounds lighter just one year ago. I've exceeded my start weight from when I started on medifast and I have pretty much fallen down this deep dark hole of self pity and self doubt. That is where I am at today. I weigh nearly 350 pounds (Although might be more than that now as I have not stepped on a scale in at least a month) I am struggling with depression and trying to figure out how in the hell people get motivated when they are sitting on their asses killing themselves. Seriously, props to the people who are successful because it is far far far far from easy. Maybe that is the problem, maybe I want something easy.... Well of course I want something easy, who doesn't want easy.... But, I am realistic person and I know that achieving any kind of goal takes a lot of hard work, a great support system, and a lack of self doubt. I live in this weird state of mind where, I know exactly what I need to do, and exactly what needs to happen in my life and my diet in order to be healthy and happy, and yet, I still find it nearly impossible to do these simple actions. Simple yes, easy no....
You would also be surprised how much self doubt and depression can affect your mood towards the other people in your life. I remember when I was on the medifast, I was SO happy, all the time. My relationship with my boys was amazing, I rarely ever yelled at them or lost my temper, I was happy! I was nowhere near my weight loss goal, but I was working towards it and I. Was. Happy. Now I try to be happy. But I lose my temper a lot with my children, I cry a lot, I yell at my kids and quite frankly feel like I am doing a shitty job at this parenting thing. I know it all starts with me and I know what I need to do so why is it so hard??? I want to be a better mom for my boys and a better wife for my husband. I want to be able to be active and not just sit on my ass all the time but I am quite lost and trying to figure out where that motivation is supposed to come from. How do I start? Where do I start? Who's going to help me be accountable? Maybe I don't want to be held accountable. If I am not held accountable I can't disappoint anyone, right? I know a lot of people in my life think I am just flakey, and I can never make up my mind. I think there is a fine line between being flakey and being unhappy and searching for something in a way that really isn't going to make the situation better until you choose to accept that YOU need to change.
See look at all this knowledge and understanding I have. And yet, I just sit here, and do nothing. I know I need to do something. For once in my life I am actually scared that my weight is going to kill me, and not 50 years from now. I hope that my next blog post, whenever it may be, will bring better news of how I have found this willpower to do things I never thought possible! I know I can I'm just still trying to figure out how I guess. I apologize for the rant, but thank you for caring enough to read.
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