Well, I have been thinking about writing this post for some time now. Often times I feel it is difficult to do anything extra in life simply because the boys are SO busy. But taking so long to write this post might also have something to do with the fact that overall I just feel ashamed of myself. I've always promised to be honest on my blog and this is no different. My journey is still my journey, even though I have not been on the medifast for about a year now. So we'll start with that part of life, as this specific post is going to be more about life in general rather than just weight loss.
So, as I believe I mentioned in my last post, I have all but given up on my weight loss journey. I never really intended to give up, but if you were to look at me right now, you would never know I was nearly 80 pounds lighter just one year ago. I've exceeded my start weight from when I started on medifast and I have pretty much fallen down this deep dark hole of self pity and self doubt. That is where I am at today. I weigh nearly 350 pounds (Although might be more than that now as I have not stepped on a scale in at least a month) I am struggling with depression and trying to figure out how in the hell people get motivated when they are sitting on their asses killing themselves. Seriously, props to the people who are successful because it is far far far far from easy. Maybe that is the problem, maybe I want something easy.... Well of course I want something easy, who doesn't want easy.... But, I am realistic person and I know that achieving any kind of goal takes a lot of hard work, a great support system, and a lack of self doubt. I live in this weird state of mind where, I know exactly what I need to do, and exactly what needs to happen in my life and my diet in order to be healthy and happy, and yet, I still find it nearly impossible to do these simple actions. Simple yes, easy no....
You would also be surprised how much self doubt and depression can affect your mood towards the other people in your life. I remember when I was on the medifast, I was SO happy, all the time. My relationship with my boys was amazing, I rarely ever yelled at them or lost my temper, I was happy! I was nowhere near my weight loss goal, but I was working towards it and I. Was. Happy. Now I try to be happy. But I lose my temper a lot with my children, I cry a lot, I yell at my kids and quite frankly feel like I am doing a shitty job at this parenting thing. I know it all starts with me and I know what I need to do so why is it so hard??? I want to be a better mom for my boys and a better wife for my husband. I want to be able to be active and not just sit on my ass all the time but I am quite lost and trying to figure out where that motivation is supposed to come from. How do I start? Where do I start? Who's going to help me be accountable? Maybe I don't want to be held accountable. If I am not held accountable I can't disappoint anyone, right? I know a lot of people in my life think I am just flakey, and I can never make up my mind. I think there is a fine line between being flakey and being unhappy and searching for something in a way that really isn't going to make the situation better until you choose to accept that YOU need to change.
See look at all this knowledge and understanding I have. And yet, I just sit here, and do nothing. I know I need to do something. For once in my life I am actually scared that my weight is going to kill me, and not 50 years from now. I hope that my next blog post, whenever it may be, will bring better news of how I have found this willpower to do things I never thought possible! I know I can I'm just still trying to figure out how I guess. I apologize for the rant, but thank you for caring enough to read.
