Updates and Disappointments

I had a friend request I post a new blog update.  I have been avoiding this exact thing, as I am honestly, ashamed and disappointed with my progress on weight loss.  In fact, there is no progress, only failure.  Food is an evil evil necessary, and I love it so much and I hate it so much.  I am pretty much completely back to my old ways of eating.  Perhaps even a little worse, simply because falling off the path has lead to a path of self destruction and depression.  It is hard to actually type this, because I honestly don't want to admit where I am at with everything.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I don't want people to see me, and I don't want people to be disappointed with me.  I don't want my family to be disappointed with me.  I know what I need to get back on track, and I know what my body needs and how to take care of myself, so why is it that I let myself get sucked into this horrible state of mind, and "give up" and stop caring about myself?  Why do I eat until I feel bloated and then feel incredibly guilty about it?  Why can't I just embrace happiness and live in happiness and stop being so goddamn self destructive?  Why can't I break these unhealthy habits, and feed myself and my family better?  I ask myself these questions a lot.  And it seems like the more I rationalize eating something I shouldn't, or even more importantly, eating MORE than I should, I get more and more depressed about it, and it becomes harder and harder to correct the path I am going down.  I'm not trying to get sympathy, or pity, or anything like that.  I know that I am the only one who can change things, I just can't seem to figure out why I can't do it.  What is it in my head that makes me fail.  When I am so knowledgeable about what I NEED to do, why do I choose the wrong thing?  WHY WHY WHY???  I am beyond mad at myself, and yet, I keep doing the same thing.  I don't have answers.  If I had answers then maybe I wouldn't be the way I am.  If I was more like my husband and had some self control and didn't feel so addicted to everything I touched, maybe I wouldn't be like this.  I have this crazy weird personality where, when I find something I like, I INDULGE.  I've been like this as long as I can remember and not just with food.  When I started smoking at age 18, I started with one cigarette.  By the end of the first week of smoking, I was up to a pack, and by the time I finally quit, I was smoking 2-3 packs a day.  Fortunately, I only smoked for seven years.  But smoking you can give up completely.  Eating you can't.  I am smart.  I know that if I ever pick up another cigarette, I will be smoking two packs a day again within a month.  So I don't do it.  But you can't do that with food.  You can't quit food.  You HAVE to eat.  And that is the challenge, eating what you need and not more.  It's exhausting.  I hate food.  I hate food just as much as I love food, and sometimes, I hate myself for loving it so much.  I've put on about 20 pounds since I went off the Take Shape for Life program.  I know why, I know exactly what I am doing to my body.  I just need to pull myself out of this destructive path and figure out how in the hell to stop being so so so self destructive.  Hopefully some day things will be heading in a positive direction again, and hopefully I can figure out all this mental crap that goes with all the unhealthy eating crap.  But for now, here I am, as honest as I can be.  I will try to stop hiding and post more with updates, I just hope that my readers aren't as disappointed as I know they should be.

A new week! 3 months!

Since my last post I have been working on turning things around for myself and I think it's working. I'm still struggling to cut my coffee intake but trying to use sugar alternatives to cut some of those unnecessary carbs, or using less sugar syrup.  I've also been watching my portion sizes a lot more, which has often been an issue. I know eating healthy foods is a great thing, but when you binge on them it doesn't make it any better for your body, and I've been a binge eater as long as I can remember!  I don't keep snack type foods and process foods in my house, because if I do, I will eat them. So I shop as healthy as we can afford (we eat a lot of chicken breasts, cauliflower, canned tomatoes, and zucchini) and I keep the junk food out. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not having a quick snack in the house, but because I don't have it, I can't eat it! Good philosophy right?  Well whatever I did in the last week has earned me to lose four pounds. So while I was 278 last Friday, this morning I was back down to 274.  I'm moving in the right direction and this little bit of weight loss makes me feel re-energized and re-focused.  As promised I have new pictures this month although I don't feel like there is much of a difference from last month. I'm happy to be back on a positive path and moving forward once again!

Set Backs

Well, this weeks blog post is going to be hard.  First of all, in case you haven't noticed, it is later than usual.  Part of this is life, part of this is embarrassment, and part of this is shame.  It has been a rough few days.  When I first ran out of replacement meals, I was doing pretty good with eating right and eating healthy.  The last few days, I have been slipping.  I feel myself spiraling down.  I am trying to find my feet and pull myself back up, but sometimes once you start to fall, it is awfully hard to get back up.  One thing I swore to myself when I started this blog, is that I would always be honest with my readers.  I don't want there to be any falsity to this blog, and I want people to know, I am a real person, and I have VERY real struggles.  This week has been a crappy week.  Each day it seems like I have somehow rationalized putting something in my body that I shouldn't, or eating more of a certain thing than I should.  These are things I have always done my entire life, and so breaking this way of thinking is a big big big big challenge.  I have still been making sure to fix lean and green meals for dinner.  But, sometimes I eat more of those than I should, and often times, I eat things I shouldn't for breakfast or lunch.  Sometimes I get so pissed off, and I just want to say F-it!  Especially when I know there are people out there (like my wonderful hubby) who can put whatever the hell they want in there body, and they stay thin.  It frustrates me so much that I can't enjoy food the way others can.  It makes me so angry!  SO ANGRY!  I don't want to think about every tiny thing I put in my body.  I feel like trying to be healthy and live a healthy life is consuming me in ways that I don't want it to.  Why can't I just live???  WHY does everything I eat have to be carefully considered.  Why can't I just enjoy food???
I know why.  I know the reason is because I can't just enjoy food, I devour it.  I over enjoy and over indulge in it.  I eat until I can barely move, and I make myself sick doing it.  I can't just enjoy food because I am beyond that point.  I am addicted to the quick fixes that it gives me.  The problem is, those quick fixes lead to some serious long term damage.  One of which is very likely death.  It's scary to think about.  But, if I don't force myself to think about those things, then, I will keep spiraling.  I have gained 5 pounds back in the last week.  And that is how my week has been.  I'm not going to go into detail about every little thing I have put in my body the last week, because it's a lot.  I'm not going to tell you how many times I have waited for my husband to go to sleep so I could raid the fridge without anyone knowing.  I'm not going to mention how many sugary lattes I have consumed either.  Just know that, it's all led up to me being back to 278.  It is hard pulling myself out of this.  But I have to.  I have to find the strength.  I have to stop being so scared of the greatness that can come out of being healthy, instead of being so set in my ways with the unhealthy.  I love everyone's support, and right now I need it more than ever.  I will be back next week with hopefully a better update.

Week 10!

So this week's post is a little late.  Between not feeling really well, and the kids, it has been difficult finding the time to actually type this weeks weigh in results and how my week went!  So, Here we go!
This week has been an interesting challenge, but one that I feel I have dealt with fairly well!  Financially, we are in a bit of a bind at the moment.  I haven't worked since Jack broke his leg, and so we are living off one full time income, and rent from my mom who also lives with us.  Anyway, with the boys, and us adults, we rely on food stamps for the core of our food purchase's.  The meal replacements for Take Shape for Life, are, sadly, not covered by food stamps.  So even though the price is very comparable to your grocery bill every month, we just don't have the extra money for it at this time.  Which sucks, because it has been working so so well.  HOWEVER, I am making the best of it, and eating as healthy as possible.  Lean and Greens for my meals.  With the exception of a high fiber, high protein, low carb wrap I shared with my son the other day, and a little bit of fruit here and there, I haven't really added any extra carbs to my diet!  Which means that I haven't indulged in Pasta, Potatoes, or Rice.  And honestly, I don't really even want to (Except sushi which I ALWAYS want, haha)  So overall I feel like I am doing pretty dang good without the meal replacements.  I haven't lost any weight this week, however; I have stayed at 273 all week.  I have weighed myself almost daily, to check in and make sure things are at least staying the same.  I am disappointed I am not losing weight, but I am also not suprised.  The meal replacements kind of take the guess work out of getting the right nutrition and calories you need into your body!  I am still learning a lot about all the nutrition stuff, and how the body works, so it is difficult to really get the results I am looking for at this point, without the ease of the meal replacements.  That is just one more reason I love the program, it makes it easy to eat healthy and lose weight, but it also educates as you go!  I am hoping that in the near future we are in a better financial situation and I can get right back on plan.  In the mean time, I am going to eat healthy and bump up my activity level!  I think bumping up my activity level will help also while I don't have the meal replacements, but we will see what my body does!
Now with all that being said, I want to talk about Starchy foods for a moment.  This has become a very interesting topic in my mind, and here is why.  I don't know how many of you have tried Cauliflower Pizza, instead of Bread dough pizza, or Spaghettie squash, instead of Pasta, or Cauliflower Rice, instead of White Rice, or Cauliflower Mash, instead of Mashed Potatoes, or using Zucchini instead of oatmeal or panko in your meatloaf, but, I have tried all of these things since starting this lifestyle change and I have to say, in general, I almost always like the vegetable version over the starchy version.  I could eat Cauliflower pizza everyday, Not even joking.  And the other day when I tried mashed cauliflower, I was blown away.  It tasted almost identical to mashed potatoes!  I grew up with starches being a large part of meals, as I am sure most of you did also.  I have lived most of my life indulging in starchy carb heavy foods like most people in the world, and I guess where all this is leading to is, why are we such a starch heavy, carb heavy society, when these alternatives to the carbs and starch are so dang delicious and so much healthier!?  Now, I am fully aware that you need carbs to survive, So I don't want to give the wrong idea and say NO CARBS EVER!  But I am also fully aware that if you eat your vegetables, you will get most of the carbs that your body needs.  So anyway, I challenge you all to try to replace one of those items with a vegetable alternative, and just see what you think!  I think you will be pleasantly suprised for sure!  In fact, my husband, who has always made it well known how much he hates squash, LOVED the Spaghetti sauce over Spaghetti Squash we had for dinner last night!  Now, I will stop ranting about nutrition (haha.)  I hope you've enjoyed my post this week and I look forward to next weeks weigh in.  Oh and two new recipes going up tomorrow or the next day, so I hope you will check them out!

Mid week bliss!

I wanted to check in mid week, because I have had a few things happen in the past week that have really made me feel great!  As I have mentioned before in previous blogs, having been on this program has given me a tremendous amount of energy!  I have been walking more with my children and husband, I park at the back of parking lots, and I don't feel pain when I am in the store for more than 10 minutes.  I can (almost) keep up with my husband (Keep in mind, his legs are about fifty times longer than mine, and he has always, as long as I have known him, had a fast paced walk.)  Today, we took the boys to the zoo.  The last time we went to the zoo was before Andrew was born, and I think before he was even conceived.  I remember thinking nearly the whole time, how much it sucked to be walking around for so long.  I remember how much pain I felt walking around the zoo.  I was sweaty the entire time, and short of breath whenever we walked up any hill, even slight ones.  I sat down almost every time Brian and Jack would look at an exhibit.  I was unhappy.  This was when I was nearly 340 lbs.  TODAY WAS A NEW DAY!!!  I felt great today.  I was happy, I had energy, I was excited to be there with my family!  Not only that, but I had very little pain (Although, I have been having a small problem in my lower back for the last 3 or 4 days) I was able to push myself and keep up a strong pace with my husband (although, I nearly have to run to really keep up with him.)  I was NEVER out of breath and I only sat down once while waiting for Brian and Jack, and once when we all sat down for lunch.  And even though I was tired after the day with the boys at the zoo, I wasn't exhausted.  I wasn't fatigued.  I was just a little worn from a busy day!  It was great!  And I feel great!
I have also learned a lot through the last couple weeks.  Some days it is very hard to stick to the program.  And as I have mentioned in a previous post, normally when things get tough, I tend to quit.  Or if I mess up on what I am doing, and make a mistake, instead of picking it back up where I left off, or starting over, I just quit.  This has been an incredibly destructive pattern in my life.  But for the first time in my life I realize something.  Even if I have had a bad day (and there have been a couple, I'll be honest) where I stray from the program, I have realized that I don't have to let that bad decision affect my outcome!  Some days my resolve to stay strong and pull through this program unscathed just seems to shatter.  But I am finding a new kind of courage in my life that allows me to accept those bad decisions and move past them and keep moving forward, instead of beating myself up and ultimately giving up.  Why I have been so self destructive in the past, I really can't say.  But what I do know is that I can set that destructive person free, and let her live.  Everyone makes mistakes, I guess it really is how you choose to deal with those mistakes that defines your outcome!

Week 9

Good morning to all you wonderful people out there!  It is weigh in day!  You may notice I seem a little enthusiastic today.  Going to be honest, I have a few exciting things to talk about, AND I have been awake since 3:30 a.m.  Being up so early was due to the baby waking up, but I have been anxious to write this blog so decided to stay awake while he sleeps again.  Anywho...
So weigh in this week was good!  I am down four more pounds.  Which puts me at 41 pounds lost!  My weight now is 273!  Ok, so the weight loss this week is exciting, but, what is even more exciting is CLOTHES!  I love to shop.  I can't usually afford it, but I love it.  So I went to Lane Bryant yesterday to see what was on their clearance racks.  Last time I bought clothes they were size 24.  Which trust me, I was ecstatic about!  This time, I am thinking I have gone down one more size, and started trying on some 22's and noticed that they were even a little bit loose.  So sure enough, I grabbed four or five different pairs of pants in size 20, and EVERY SINGLE ONE fit!  I have not been in a size 20 since high school, (and keep in mind, high school was 13 years ago...) so needless to say, this is a huge accomplishment.  I can't even begin to describe how amazing size 20 feels!  I am so anxious and excited, and determined to see size 18, and then 16, and Omigod... size 14... I don't know that I have ever been in size 14.... The smallest size I remember is 16 and that was in middle school.  Wow... Life is looking good!  It is so great to be getting healthy and losing weight and becoming a better, happier, healthier, sexier me.  I feel more confident and I am ready to take on the world!
I know I promised more recipes last week, but it has been crazy around the house with my husband being gone most of the week, so I PROMISE more recipes this week!  I have a few good ones I made recently, so stay tuned!

Great News!

This is probably going to be a rather short post, but I have some amazing news that I want to share with everyone!  I went to the doctor today.  It was for issues completely unrelated (but possibly related) to my health.  (If that made any sense at all)  But, you know how it goes before every appointment, they weigh you, and they take your blood pressure.  Up until about a month ago, I had been on meds for my blood pressure.  I stopped taking it after I started the program and started feeling a bit better.  I hadn't had the opportunity to check my blood pressure or get into the doctor, but I knew that when I went to the doctor I wanted a true reading and not a medicated reading.  Turns out, my blood pressure was 120/74!!!  I have been on these meds for just over three years to try to control my blood pressure.  And before that, I have a feeling it was probably an issue but I just didn't go to the doctor if I could help it.  But, now I have a normal and HEALTHY blood pressure!  The doctor assured me I no longer needed the meds!  HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!  I love that I am changing so many things in my life into a positive!  Just wanted to share how excited I am to be off my meds officially!  If any of my readers are struggling with weight related health issues, and ready to change their lives, I would love a quick email and we can talk about how you can change your life too!

2 months!

Well, It has been two months since I started my weight loss journey.  I am going to be honest, I really wasn't sure how this blog was going to go today.  Yesterday I had my mind made up, I was giving up.  Of course I rationalized this with many many excuses.  I had been considering it for several days.  And so I finally emailed my health coach about my decision, and as I typed my why's for stopping this, every single thing out of my "mouth" I could see as an excuse.  Everything.  And I had a lot of them.  But after emailing her a little bit, and after talking to my husband some more about it, I decided to stick with it.  Today I met up with my health coach in person.  Which I am so thankful for.  We had a great talk.  I cried, more than I would have liked (but that is just me) and I've decided I am stronger than my weaknesses.  I have really bad weeks, and I have really good weeks, and honestly, this week SUCKED!  One thing I seem to have always done in my life is give up when things get hard, or run away.  And that is exactly what I was trying to do, run away, give up, admit defeat, quit.  I am more thankful for having Jenn in my life than she could possibly even imagine.  If she wasn't there, I would give up.  But having her there for me, and having her know what it is like to struggle with weight loss herself... She is such a blessing in my life.  Thank God for accounting class!  Admitting some of these things to myself, and to Jenn, seems to have triggered some things in my brain.  I don't have to be a failure.  I CAN accomplish goals.  I am stronger than I let myself believe.  But one of the most important things that really stuck with me today while talking to Jenn, was to stop letting the future consume the now.  Stop stressing over things that aren't here and haven't happen, and just take things one step and one day at a time.  As I sit here typing this I am truly overwhelmed with happiness that I have met someone so wonderful as to help me get through these struggles.  I can't say it enough.  Thank you Jenn!  You are an angel on earth!

Now for the weight loss news.  This week, there was none.  I am still 277.  It isn't a surprise considering the week I have had.  I cheated more than I would like to admit, and yesterday, I went completely off my new eating habits.  I am actually quite surprised I didn't gain weight honestly.  With every single bite of something I knew I shouldn't be putting in my body, I felt guilty.  I am a self saboteur, and it is something I am working on.  So many things in my life I have quit at, I am done being that girl.  I want to be the one who succeeds.  And now is the opportunity to prove I can!  I know it'll be a struggle, and I hope that I don't get to a place where I am ready to just quit again.  I hope that I can be strong enough to push past it, and call my health coach and be like "I need reminders why I am doing this again."  I gotta tell ya, the weight loss has been wonderful and so is the energy, but food has been my friend for so so so so so so long, that it is in a lot of ways a grieving process retraining my body to consume healthy and live healthy.  I do feel like I am losing a close friend by saying "I'm not going to put crap in my body anymore!" it's hard!  It is a struggle!  But, it is a struggle that is worth it.  Plus, taking my TWO MONTH weight loss pictures today was pretty freaking awesome!  I took the pictures in the pants I bought about a month ago, when I had dropped two sizes.  Look at the pictures!  These are NOT my fat pants!  They are however, they only ones I have right now that still fit!  I think next month, I will get out a pair of pants that I wore when I was my heaviest.  It'll be interesting to step into them.  It'll be interesting to see where I am in a month.  So with that said, thank you as usual for following my blog!  Thank you for listening to my struggles.  I still hope I can inspire anyone who is ready to take charge of their own lives!  Enjoy the pics!  (Sorry about being shirtless, I was trying to get a picture that truly showed the weight loss)

PS.  The last picture is me about about two years ago.  This was a point when I was almost at my heaviest, and one of the few full body pictures I have.  I was around 330 to 340 in this pic.  

Recipes

I want to share some of the healthy recipes I have been using throughout this journey, and share with you my successes and failures with them.  I hope that these recipes can inspire others to cook healthier.  The are all fairly simple and easy to make, although sometimes might take a little bit of preparation.  I am still trying to figure out the ins and outs of putting together a blog, but I will post links on this page with new recipes that I come across, or create!  I hope you all enjoy!

Asparagus Tomato Salad
Zucchini, Mushroom, and Spinach Bake
Cauliflower Rice
Seared Scallops over Asparagus and Tomato Salad
Cauliflower Crust Pizza
Spicy Tomato Chicken
Chicken Enchilada
Broccoli Chicken Dijon
Turkey Meatloaf
Ranch Parmesan Tilapia
Bangers and "Mash"
Cauliflower Mash

Week Seven already!

Well it is week seven and I am still seeing success on the scale, and success in the energy I now have!  I lost 3 more pounds this week which puts me at 277!  I'm out of the 280's (Which feels great) and I am still moving forward!  This puts me at a total weightloss so far of 37 pounds!  I am hopeful that next week I will be down 40 pounds!  I am also close to another milestone. I only have 7 pounds to lose until I reach 100 pounds lost since I had Andrew!  How amazing is that!  Losing 100 pounds in just over four months!  Ok, so a lot of it was from retaining water, and obviously because I had a 10 pound baby in my tummy, BUT, Before I got pregnant, I was already at 340 pounds.  When I think about that, I have lost 63 pounds from my heavies non-pregnancy weight.  And that does feel pretty great. I only have 17 pounds to go until I am back down to the weight I was when I met my husband just over 6 years ago.  Only 27 pounds until the milestone of reaching 250 pounds AND only 13 more pounds until I have lost a total of 50 pounds since starting Take Shape for Life!  And it hasn't even been 2 full months on the program yet!  I'm excited about life, and where I am going.  This journey has even motivated me to start looking into things I have wanted to do for a long time, but have not had the confidence to do.  More specifically, I want to perform.  I want to be on stage, in plays, or in an orchestra making beautiful music.  I love performing arts and I am excited to be a part of them again!  My life long dream has always been to be on Broadway, in the play Les Miserables (Well, this has been my dream since I was like 14 anyway) and while, I don't see that happening, due to my family (Who I love to death and will always come first) I can still indulge in the performing arts here in Portland, or where ever we may end up in the future.    And why not!  I am confident, and beautiful, and talented!  And I am tired of hiding from my dreams.  So wish me luck!  There is so much life out there that I am just chomping at the bit to experience, and now is the time to go get it, and live to the fullest!

PS.  As a side note, I was curious, if I started posting some recipes on my blog if this would be something people might be interested in.  Please leave your comments and let me know what you think!  I love coming up with new healthy creations, and finding them on the internet as well, and would love to share them with you all!

Lessons Learned!

WOW!  I truly believe I have learned more about myself and my journey in the last two days, than I ever have before.  And I know these things can and will affect my future profoundly.  First of all, I want to apologize for yesterdays somewhat self loathing post.  I was feeling a bit down and a lot lost.  However, taking a break from my search for health was a huge eye opener.  I am shocked by how quickly my body reacted to the things I was putting in it.  And although, I don't feel that what I had to eat was completely unhealthy, it was not the fuel my body needed.  I started out the day with a pretty normal breakfast, Protein and veg.  That didn't bother me, as It is what I usually eat.  I had a snack with a few higher carbs than what I would normally have and more fat that I should've had.  I had a slice of cheese and some sugar snap peas.  Not an unhealthy choice, and honestly, I didn't even eat to much of it.  Then for lunch, That is where things got a little rocky.  I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.  So I took three slices of cheese, and butter a couple peices of whole wheat bread and went to town.  Now a couple things happen by consuming this.  The first thing was, I got full A LOT quicker.  I used to sit down and eat Two grilled cheese as well as a bowl of tomato soup, for lunch.  So here I was eating this one grilled cheese and I was getting full about half way through One sandwhich!  The second thing that happen really really sucked.  Within an hour of having this sandwich, I got the runs.  I am sure there are a couple reasons for this.  The first is the fact that consuming the extra carbs and extra calories in one sitting, I am sure affected my stomach in a negative way.  The second was the cheese.  I have known for a long time that I am lactose intolerant, however, it never really seemed an issue if I ate cheese or yogurt.  But considering I have not consumed really any dairy in the last six weeks, it would appear that my body did a complete double take and was like "Oh Hell No!  You did not just put all that fat and lactose into me!"  I did splurge and also got a Grande Iced Venti Soy Caramel Macchiato.  That didn't help my stomach any either.  I have coffee pretty much daily, but usually with one of my medifast cappachino mixes, and it tastes great and it doesn't upset my stomach.  The soy and sugar in the Macchiato was to much.  So for dinner, I didn't eat to much out of the norm, we had grilled steak (Which I am very proud to say was perfectly medium rare and juicy!) and some coleslaw and a baked potato.  Normally I wouldn't have a potato and just a straight veg, the slaw dressing isn't all that healthy, although, I made it so I know how much sugar and what not actually went into it.  So that was that.  It was a big eye opener when my stomach was so upset, as I have not had stomach issues like that in the last six weeks, and I guess I forgot a little bit what it was like.  It sucks!  I am still suffering a little today also.  I am very tired and just don't feel very energetic or motivated.  Another side affect I know, and I also know that it will take a few days for me to get that energy back.  Was it worth it?  Probably not really.  Do I regret it?  No.  I needed the reminder of how much it sucks to have upset stomachs every day and feel so tired and lifeless.  Plus it reassures me that seeking out a healthy lifestyle and going on this journey, is really what I want to do for and it is where I need to be.  It makes me even more passionate to reach out and help others.  I want others to know how great it feels to have energy and feel good about yourself and your body.  So now, I want to reach out.  I want all my readers to know that, if they feel like they are stuck, like they aren't living, like they are unhealthy and unhappy, that I can help.  And I want to!  If you are ready to change your life, please email me!  If you know someone who is ready to change their life or if you are just curious about how I am changing my life and want to know more, Email me!  I want to help!  And with that, I bid you adieu, and a healthy and happy day!  As always, thanks for reading!

6 weeks in

Well, It has been six weeks since starting my weightloss journey.  I am still losing, but only three pounds this week.  But that puts me at 280 pounds!  And I am down a total of 34 pounds.  This week has been the worst week I have had so far.  It has been a struggle to not give up and give in this week.  I'm sure part of it has to do with stress, but part of it still feels like I am "breaking up" with a friend I love so dearly.  I know the meal replacement part of the program is temporary, and that eventually I will be introducing normal (Healthy) foods back into my life, but for some reason, I am feeling the loss hard core this week.  I mean HARD CORE!  I knew this journey would not be easy, it is just hard finding the strength when I am in the mindset that I have been in the last couple days.  There are two things that I think will actually help me personally, quite a bit.  The first is a conference, that I will be attending tomorrow, and I am sure that it will light a fire and make me feel all sorts of passionate about what I am doing, again.  The second thing (And I doubt this is recommended, or that it is nessecarily something that most people could handle) I am taking a day off.  I have to.  If I don't, I will quit.  I know myself better than anyone, and I know this about myself.  So today I am eating just regular food.  No meal replacements.  Don't get me wrong, I am not going to go out and eat fast food and crap all day.  I don't even have a desire to do that!  And I am fully aware that by doing this, I will likely kick my body right out of "fat burn" and when I restart the meal replacements it'll be kind of like starting over.  However, I feel like if I do kick myself out of fat burn, it'll help me realize how much I hate being out of it.  I know it sounds silly to talk about it.  I understand what my body is doing, and why I feel so great, and the reasons I feel so great, just I like I know I will probably not feel so energetic and good today and probably for the next couple days.  But, I think I need that reminder.  I have noticed something interesting already though, my appetite is very different from what it was before.  I feel full much quicker, and even though I am eating just regular food today, I am eating small portions and throughout the day, just like on the program.  I'm actually quite impressed by how my body and stomach are already telling me to slow down and not eat as much.  It gives me a lot of hope for when I am done with the weightloss portion of the program.  So with all this said, I hope I haven't disappointed anyone, especially my health coach Jenn.  And I hope that people understand why I am taking a break today.  Yes, I feel guilty.  But I also know I need to do this, in order to move forward.

Five weeks and counting!

Well, here it is, week five, and I am still making some serious progress towards my end goal.  It has been a tough week for sure!  With Jack breaking his leg, and me needing to officially quit my current employment so I can take care of him, and Andrew being sick, and having to cancel our vacation to Rhode Island, it seems that my limits are being tested more and more and more.  HOWEVER, I am staying strong and taking care of my body along the way.  I am eating what I need to eat and almost always when I need to eat (Like I said, it's been hectic, so there have been a couple days where I have struggled to actually get my meals in "on time" and have gone longer than I should've to eat)  The temptation to put junk in my body has been intense at times this week.  How easy it would've been to just get a nice juicy burger and chips when I was in the hospital with my son.  But I didn't.  At times it is hard to not let those unhealthy temptation take hold, but I DO NOT want to be fat, anymore.  I am not going to be.  I am not going to let those things win.  I won't, because I want to be around and healthy for a long time, for my children.  Even though we had the whole breaking of the leg incident this week, it makes me even more thankful that I have started Take Shape for Life, and am feeling healthier and stronger, it gives me the capability to take care of my son.  Don't get me wrong, I would've been able to take care of him before also, but, I would've been cranky about it, It would've more than likely been quite painful trying to move him around and carry him, and do all the things I need to do, had I not started this program.  It may sound silly to think that five weeks can have such an impact.  It does to me!  Such a short amount of time and such huge changes!  I just can't imagine going back!  And as I become more and more excited about my own success, I want to share it and reach out to others who want to feel as great as I do!  I don't think it could get more rewarding than to reach out and help others find their happiness in their health, weight, and life.  I know what it is like to feel crappy, all the time.  I know how exhausting it is to be overweight and unhealthy, and now I know how to change that, and how to feel good about my body, my mind, my health, and my life!  It's been a long time since I could honestly tell myself that I love myself.  And now that I can, I want to help others do the same!
With all this being said, I suppose I should announce the weigh in results for the week!  I am not disappointed with the results for sure!  This week I lost 5 pounds.  And with all the stress, I feel like this is quite the accomplishment!  So having lost 5 pounds, I am now down to 283 pounds and have lost a total of 31 pounds in five weeks!  OMG!  I am a little dumbfounded to think about losing 31 lbs in just five weeks.  The last time I lost a significant amount of weight (And mostly do to an unhealthy starvation diet) It was over the course of a year.  And in that year, I lost 60 pounds.  In a year.... And now I have lost 31 in five weeks!!!!  I know it is hard to read my emotions and excitement, but know that I am quite excited indeed!  My size 24 pants are already getting loose, and I am actually starting to visualize what it will be like when I am under 200lbs.  This is huge because I have never in my life thought I would be that thin.  But now I know I will be!  I can see it!  And I am excited for it!

Life!

So again I am posting mid week because I have had an exceptionally difficult couple days. Yesterday morning as my husband and I were out the door to go to work we heard Jack start screaming. He had a slip in the kitchen, and fell on his leg. At first we didn't think it was too bad, but then the knee started swelling. So we made the decision to take him to the e.r. I was unable to find someone that early to come in and work for me so I dropped him and daddy off and had to leave my son. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to be there for him and couldn't. Finally someone was able to come in at around 9 so I was able to go to the e.r.  By that time he'd already had x rays, seen that he had broken his femur (thigh) bone, and taken him by ambulance to the children's hospital. I was mad and upset that I missed all of this. And while I was busy cooking breakfast for residents at work, it took all my power to not start munching. But I made it through work without eating a bunch of junk. Then I finally got to the hospital. My poor son was all drugged up and he hadn't been casted yet. So we waited for that to happen and finally we were moved into a private room to settle in for the night. After seeing his cast, Brian and I have had to have some discussion about what is going to happen with our trip to Rhode island in about three weeks. So this is causing even more stress. And on top of that, I'm going to have to tell my boss that I'll no longer be working for the company. This incident combined with others lately have led me to this decision, and having Jack more or less immobile, and having to lift, roll, etc. to change him and what not, It's going to be hard for my mother to do alone with an infant. So all of this has lead to a very stressful couple days. All day yesterday, I wanted to eat. I wanted to munch off Jack's dinner, I wanted to order me a burger and fries, I wanted to get a coffee from statbucks. I wanted to put crap in my body that, at the moment would make me feel a little bit better, but in the long run make me feel worse. But I didn't, and I still haven't. I still want to, but I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong on this, for my children, so they can have a healthy mom. I keep reminding myself that I want to be the best and sexiest wife my husband could ask for. I keep reminding myself that (as Jenn says) this to shall pass. I am amazed that in my weakest moments, I can still be strong and still make the right health choices for me. It is hard today, it was harder yesterday, but I know that soon it won't be so hard. And that soon, I will be that healthy, energetic, happy woman my family deserves!

The Fourth Week!

Well, I have officially been on the program for a month!  I still feel great (Except this stupid summer cold that is kicking my butt) and I had a fairly successful weigh in this week!  I am now down to 288 lbs!  That means, I lost 6 pounds this week and a total weight loss for one month of 26 pounds!  Yep that's right!  26 pounds in one month!  What awesome results!  I can say that in the past having tried a few different things, like diet and excersize, I have never really seen results, or at least not like this!  And I think that is one of the biggest challenges with weightloss, is when you don't see results quickly, you get discouraged easily and fall back into your old habits.  I love Take Shape for Life, because I have had amazing results, I rarely feel hungry (I do have some days where I will get the munchies, but those are usually days when I am stuck sitting instead of being able to do stuff) I feel healthy, I feel happy, and I feel full of life!  I hope that I can pay this feeling forward and help others in the future, change their lives and their situations.  I hope I can be an inspiration, like my own health coach has been for me!  I've never come across something that feels so right and so life changing, and so perfect.  I feel like meeting my health coach, was almost like fate!  Let me explain this.  When I was pregnant with Andrew (Who is now three months old) I was HUGE.  I had peaked at 370 lbs.  Yeah, I was pregnant, but I was THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS!  I could hardly walk, I couldn't reach my feet, I had to have help to put socks on, I wouldn't wear any shoes that laced up, only slip on's, and I felt horrible.  And the thing was even though I was pregnant, it wasn't all pregnancy.  But, it was a blessing in it's own way being that miserable, because, it really gave me a glimpse into what I would feel like, permanently, if I let myself get any bigger.  I was already at the 340 mark before I got pregnant, so I wasn't far off.  It scared the Hell out of me to feel that way.  I can't even begin to describe how scary it was to be that immobile and that depressed, because I wasn't able to do anything.  So I knew after Andrew was born, I had to do something.  Before I met Jenn (My health coach) I was really trying to keep healthy foods in my home, and fix healthy meals.  But, having a new born and a two year old, it was hard to always make something healthy to eat for every single meal.  Plus, in a lot of ways, I didn't have a really clear grasp on nutrition.  Even now I am still learning every day about healthy foods and how they affect your body, and other foods and how they affect your body.  I am learning about excersize, and eating enough that your body doesn't go into starvation mode, but not eating so much that you are just packing on the pounds, and most importantly, eating the nutrients you need, and not just counting the calories.  It's all a lot to take in, BUT, this program makes it simple to learn.  And they make it easy to see results.  Anywho, I have gone off on a tangent.  So about 6 weeks 8 weeks after Andrew was born I met Jenn.  This amazing, wonderful person, who came into my life, and showed me that she used to be just as big as I am, and I see her now, four years later, and I am still amazed and in Awe at how wonderful she looks.  And then I think, I am going to look like that too!  I am just so excited about what my futures holds. I hope everyone will keep following me on this journey, the support and love has been amazing!  I can't wait to show everyone pictures of how amazing I can look when I reach my goal weight.  For now, I have attached my one month picture for everyone to look at!  I look goofy, I know, but, I can see progress!  I hope you can too!

Feeling Good!

I wanted to post today because I am feeling so so good and there are some things that I want to share that I think, most people might not even realize are significant in my journey.  I am excited because I feel healthy.  I don't remember ever feeling this healthy.  One major change that I have noticed that is amazing, is before I started this program, I would get upset stomachs almost daily.  I would have bowel issues just about as often.  I know this isn't something most people want to hear about, but this is one of the most important changes I have noticed in my body and feeling healthier.  I have not had an upset stomach, or diarreah since I started take shape for life.  I cannot express to you how amazing this feels.  I guess you maybe don't realize how miserable you are until you aren't anymore.
There have been other significant things that have changed in my life that are amazing also.  For example, I can easily put socks on my feet now.  Sounds silly but before, I couldn't lift my foot up on my leg to get socks on and bending over to do it was almost as much of a pain.  Now I can fairly easily lift my foot onto my leg.  I can also sit in the chair, on the couch, on the floor, where ever, in an indian style leg cross.  Or like Meditation leg cross.  Again, this might seem silly and insignificant to most people, but to be able to move my body like this again is so wonderful.  I can sleep in my bed with little pain, I can bend, squat, MOVE do just about anything without pain (or to much pain, sometimes standing in one place doing something for an extended period hurts my back quite a bit.)  It's an amazing feeling, and It is even more amazing to know that as I get thinner, I will be even more flexible, and in less pain.  I can't wait to do some sports.  You can bet that Next spring I am going to be looking into softball!  I haven't played in years, but I am so anxious to put myself out there and play again.  I was good!  I was actually good at a lot of sports I attempted in highschool and middle school gym classes, but I've always been the fat kid, and between getting made fun of, and kids yelling "Earthquake" as I ran across the floor, and being easily winded and worn out, I never pushed myself in any of these activities.  But now, Thats going to change.  I want to play tennis!  I want to be on a bowling league again and go to nationals again.  I want to coach my children in sports, or at least be there for them.  I want to do all this stuff, and for the first time in my life, I feel confident that I can do all of this.  And not only that I can do this, but that I WILL do this.  It's what I want, and dammit, I am going to do it!
Some other amazing things that have happen in the last couple weeks.  This morning I was in my shower, shaving my legs, and I was amazed that NOTHING hurt when I did this.  I took my time, and still nothing hurt!  I even proceeded to scrub all the dried dead skin off my now cute little feet, that I couldn't reach at 320 lbs, because I could reach them so easily and painlessly today!  I bought a couple pairs of pants yesterday that FIT, which also makes me feel amazing.  Wearing my old clothes is hard because then I just feel frumpy, but having a couple things that fit, is  amazing.  I don't smother my husband anymore when we are being intimate, and I feel sexy!  Everything is falling into place and I couldn't be happier.  My control issues that I have had for a long time are even getting better!  I believe this is because for so long I have felt so out of control over myself, that I have felt I need to control everything else around me.  And not always rationally.  But now that I have control of my health, things are just better!  Everybody is happier in my house, but especially this momma!  All of this, and I am only down just over 20 lbs!  I gotta tell ya, my future is going to be amazing!!!!  Stay tuned Friday for my one month picture and to see how much I've lost this week.  And as always, thanks for reading my blog!

Made it for week three!

Well, week three has had it's own challenges.  But, I made it through week three still going strong on the Take Shape For Life program.  I am actually loving this program more and more each week I am on it.  It is amazing how good I feel.  How much Healthier I feel, in just three weeks.  How much happier I am.  How much more I love my kids, and my husband, and most importantly, how much more I am loving myself.
This week I acheived another goal!  I have officially lost 20 pounds since I started the program.  I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed I only lost 3 pounds this week, but I do feel there were things this week that led to the lower number.  For one, I have been dealing with a lot of stress at work.  I've always heard that stress can affect weightloss.  I don't know of the accuracy of this, but plan on doing some research about it tonight.  Secondly, I have had to deal with my "friendly" monthly visitor this week, and I know that a lot of women gain a pound or two during this friendly visit.  (Which by the way, I did NOT miss during my pregnancy........) But I feel like the two combined may be why I only lost three pounds.  Or I could just be slowing down on the weightloss a bit, either way, it is what it is.  I am very happy that I am losing weight and not gaining it, however!  A loss is a loss, even if it is just a small one.  It's progress!  I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and not get discouraged!
With all that being said, I do want to talk a little bit about an issue I have found myself coming across, that is causing part of the stress I mentioned before.  For those who don't know, I work in a kitchen.  I'm a pastry chef, and a cook.  I am good at what I do, and most of the time I enjoy it.  Starting this program has created a unique challenge when it comes to working in a kitchen, and my boss has laid out the cards and now I have to figure out how to play the hand.  When you work in a kitchen, you taste your product, to make sure it is what you want, or has the flavor it needs, etc.  Being on this program, and being so incredibly concious of what is going in my body, and only allowing certain things (lean meats, healthy vegetables, and the 5 meal replacements) has made tasting product a challenge.  Even a few extra carbs a day, could kick my system out of what is called "fat burn" and slow down or even halt all the progress I have made thus far.  But, my boss made it very clear that he will not have a cook in the kitchen who does not taste their product.... I understand it, and Up until now, I have relied on others to taste things for me.  But now I am feel I am at a point where, as extreme as it may sound, I must chose between my job and my health.  I am still pondering all this, and am pretty sure I have come up with a fairly clear decision, but I still need to take time to really think about all of it, and figure out all my options.  I am not going to quit this program, and I am not going to compromise my health any longer.  I can't.  My husband, and my beautiful children need me.  Or, I need them.  Either way, I want to ensure a long healthy life with my family.  A part time job isn't a reason for me to stop persuing my goals, and become a healthy and, dare I say it, Thin, person.  I just hope that a little luck is on my side, and we as a family can make all ends meet.  We always have, and I am confident that from now on, things are only going to be brighter and better for our futures!

Week two success!

Well week two has been a challenge. But I have succeeded at the challenge! There has been a lot of stress and a lot of nearly sleepless nights, and hunger pangs have been giving me a run for my money, BUT, I survived the week! And with progress to show for it! When I started my journey two weeks ago, I wore a size 28 pant, and 24/26 shirt. I decided to try on clothes this week (specifically pants) and I thought since everything I own is starting to fall off me, I'd be down to a 26. Well I tried on some size 26 shorts and found even those were loose, so I thought, It is probably doubtful I could fit into a 24 just yet, but I'll try them anyway.  Well sure enough they fit! I dropped two sizes in under two weeks! How crazy is that!
Now for the weigh in news. I woke up this morning, emptied my bladder (I didn't want all that pee adding to my weight haha,) and stepped on the scale. And it read 297! Yes! 297! So not only have I lost a total of 17 pounds in the last two weeks, I am under the 300 pound mark, which I haven't been in several years! I still almost can't believe it. When I was my heaviest (not including my pregnancy with Andrew) I was close to 340. I was miserable. I was miserable because when I had hit 280 I had told myself, I am never going to get to three hundred. When I hit 300 I told myself I'd make damn sure I never got 320 and then there I was, way over 320 at a weight I swore to myself I'd never reach. I had let myself down, and I felt disgusting that I was letting myself get that way. It affected my life with my kids, it affected my work, it affected my mood, and it affected my sex life. But now! Now I am again under 300! I feel happy, I feel energetic, I feel like I can love my children even more and be a way better mother, and I feel like I can be a better wife both inside and outside the bedroom.
I know I keep mentioning my sex life in posts, but I think it is one of the more important differences I am noticing in my journey, and I feel like I need to share that part along with everything else I experience. I started this blog because I want to always remember how I feel, but also because I want others to know how I have felt and how I feel. I want people to know that no matter what their struggle, you can always overcome with determination, persistence, and self discipline. I hope that anyone who follows me on my journey might find a small spark of inspiration, and can start or finish whatever special journey they might be on in life.

Challenges

Well, it's been a few days since I last posted. The last few days have been HARD! I thought it'd be easier but so far this week has been much more of a challenge in wanting to cook more and eat more. Not even eat more but eat different. I know that's weird. I wish I had three lean protein and veg meals, but I have new hot entrees coming in soon to try. I'm still determined. It's hard going to the grocery store and wanting to get all this stuff to cook, and again not even unhealthy stuff, I'm loving my veggies and proteins, I just wish I could have more of it. It's a struggle, but I am confident that as I get further into the program, I'll become more accustomed to the way the weight loss portion of the program works. My energy has been a little less the last few days but I believe this has more to do with lack of sleep than anything else. I feel healthy! I am already noticing differences in the way my body functions. Good changes! More flexibility, less aches and pains. And for anyone who cares, mine and my husbands "quality" time is even improving! *wink wink* it's amazing to be able to explore your own body in ways that weren't possible before, and it's only going to get better! I'm excited for the journey ahead. My fear is dissipating, and my confidence is building. I can't wait to see where I am in a year!

First week

Well today was an ok day. Work was great, my weigh in for my first week was disappointing. I stepped on the scale and I was half a pound heavier than when I weighed on day four. HOWEVER! I have still lost approximately 8 pounds my first week so I am super happy about that. I can't be upset with a loss. But stepping on the scale today, and seeing 307.0 instead of 306.8 was disappointing. I am now kind of regretting weighing myself on day four, haha. That's what I get for having no patience whatsoever!
I am finding out some interesting things about the way the body works and why this program is successful. And it's more and more intriguing the more I find out. For example, when you start this program you are actually discouraged from doing exercise for the first three weeks. Crazy right! Especially once you start to experience all this new found energy and you feel like you should go out and run a marathon! Well the reason you are not supposed to exercise at first, and only light activity after is because you're only consuming 800-1000 calories and if you are burning up those calories, by hardcore exercise, your body will go into starvation mode and STORE fat, instead of burn it! How crazy is that! I love finding these things out about how my body works, and it could explain the slight standstill in my own weightless over the last few days, as I did start taking my son out for short walks. Now whether that's the reason or not, I dunno, but it's the reason I'm using, because I've been following this change in diet like the freakin' bible, so I'm fairly confident it is not the food part. Who knew exercise could prevent you from losing weight!
So, that is where I am at today. I have decided I don't really need to post every single day, so I will post when I have a significant day (good or bad) and with my weekly weigh in's.  And I'll try to have a new picture each month,  to show progress! Thanks for all your love and support!

A new day

Well today has been pretty good! Another day sticking to the plan. I haven't felt overly hungry today. I've had lots of energy and I was able to have some fun outside activities with my family! It's amazing how literally a week ago, I would've just sent my husband and son to the pool while I stayed home and watched tv. Today I WANTED to go! We also went for a walk, which again, just a week ago if my husband had asked me to go for a walk, I would've made up some excuse not to, so I could stay inside and sit on my butt and snack on crap, and watch tv. I know I said it yesterday, but I am blown away by how energetic I feel. And beyond that, I feel happy. Like happy like I haven't felt in quite sometime. I know it's still early in the process, but feeling this good and having an improved mood is going to be a lot better for everyone in my family. I'm not quite so anal and controlling when I'm happy, I have noticed. So yes, with all this progress comes a new found happiness. I hope that this mood and energy are side affects the rest of my life. I already don't want to go back to the "old" me, even though the old me is not far gone. Here's to a new life!

Checking in

Today's post is probably going to be fairly short. It has been a fairly uneventful day. But with it being so much of just a "normal" day I have felt hungrier than ever it seems. My mood I'd greet and my energy is great especially for only getting five hours of sleep, but I feel so hungry today. But I'm dealing with it ok. I try to do things to keep myself busy, do I don't just sit here and think about food, but as I said before, when you have a baby that just wants to sleep in your arms all day, or sit in your arms and not be put down, it makes it hard to not sit there and think about food, since before, I'd go to the fridge and find some kind of unhealthy snack and much away. Sometimes I'd just have a huge and unhealthy meal, in the middle of the day, because I was bored and "hungry." It has been a bigger struggle today to not just fall into that habit.  I remember when I write smoking 8 years ago it was the same thing. The hardest part wasn't what the people around me were doing so much as the habits I had developed on a daily basis when I was bored, or on the computer, or driving my car. The distance this time is, being an ex smoker and going through that mental anguish once, assures me I am more than capable of doing it again. And honestly, the energy I have gained is great and makes me want to never feel exhausted and not wanting to do anything but sit on my butt, ever again. I am blown away by how alert, awake, and energetic I feel! Anyway, having a wonderful Saks if mustard greens and collard greens, cucumber, and celery, as well as shrimp and olives for dinner. The one lean and green meal I get a day is always so delicious, and makes me wonder why I haven't eaten like this always! Thank you to everyone who had sent me live and support so far in my journey, and a huge huge thank you to my health coach, Jenn, who not only introduced me to the program, but had been the most supportive of all! Love you all!

Great day!

Well it's day four. I waited until this afternoon to post because I wanted to make sure my mood was pretty much the same throughout the day. I started out the morning great. Had breakfast with Jack and my parents, and everyone was in a great mood! This good mood has lasted throughout the day which has been great! I definitely feel more energetic, and my biggest frustration today has been not being able to do much because of the baby. Tonight I'm having a wonderful dinner of grilled chicken and roasted veggies. I am finding myself enjoying the flavor of both meats and veggies more since I've started this, and today, I haven't craved carbs at all. It's amazing the difference I feel just from last night. With all that being said, and feeling as good as I have, I decided to not wait the full week to weigh in. I feel so good I wanted to know! Is this process working? And maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking, "wow I'm having such a great day, and I'm feeling so good, maybe I need to bring myself down." Sadly this self destructive nature has been a large part of my life and it is something I'm working on overcoming. But wouldn't you know, the scale decided to keep my spirits up! I was expecting a pound or two, I mean afterall it has only been four days, but I stepped on that scale and waited for it to stop, and it stopped on 306! Four days and I've lost 8 pounds! I almost started crying seeing that number! And this small little victory gives me even more hope and confidence that I am on the right path, and even more determination to get where I want to be. Now I just need to ride out this journey. But today! Today has been a great day!

The restaurant

I wasn't intending to post twice today, but I feel like I need to talk about the restaurant challenge while it's still fresh. All I can say is, it sucked! We went to a great restaurant with delicious food, hearty portions, rich sauces, home made bread and rolls, loaded bakers, and creamy mashed potatoes! Yeah, it sucked not indulging in those things until my stomach felt ready to explode. I wanted to cry, several times throughout the meal. I felt ridiculous for being "one of those people" when I ordered my food. I felt like I was insulting my family, for not having a delicious hearty meal with them, and Unless you've been there, you can't even imagine how much it sucked. BUT I got through it! I had a nice piece of roughy, hold the pesto, and a green salad (that sadly I only got to eat a tiny bit of since I forgot to mention no croutons and crumbs were covering nearly every leaf) and you know what, I got through it. Such a small thing you would think, but such a huge accomplishment. And I did that. I made that choice, that while everyone else at the table was indulging in delicious smelling food, I made the choice to stay on this path for my health. Eventually I'll be able to sit down, and with keen knowledge, eat smart at a restaurant like this one. But for today, I win!

Day three

Today I am feeling pretty good, although hungrier than I have the last couple days. I will be quite happy when the hunger passes, and I'm not constantly thinking about all the delicious foods I'm missing out on. I'll be honest, I have to remind myself that eventually I will be able to eat home cooked meals again, but I need this part of the process to get me to where I need to be, and to alter my mind and body so I don't over eat. I know I've talked a lot about the food, it is a big big part of the program, but after a couple weeks of letting my body adjust to less caloric intake I'll be starting an exercise routine also. It is important in its own right. I can already feel myself gaining more energy and I'm looking forward to feeling like I want to go do stuff not I have to go do stuff.
Tonight will be my first major challenge. My dad is in town and we are going out to a restaurant. I just have to find food within what is good for me and my changes and not give into temptation. I'm actually quite confident I will be able to eat fine there, I've had to deal with the presence of food that's "off the list" everyday since I've started this. I'm more concerned I won't be able to find something to eat. But anyway, I am looking forward to next Thursday and my first "weigh in." I'm starting out at 314. My ultimate goal is 170, but honestly, if I could just get under 200 I'd be pretty ecstatic! Can't wait until I'm there!

A new start

Yesterday started my first day on my new journey to a healthy me. It was a good day and a not so good day. I was quite surprised by the actual lack of hunger that I had, but eating every couple hours definitely helped that. It was a tough day because I was so so tired. And by the end of the day I had a headache starting. I've cut my caffeine back which could be the reason for the headache, or perhaps it's from my body detoxing of unnecessary carbs. Either way the headache sucked. I woke up with it this morning also, but took some ibuprofen to kick it in the butt before it turned into something even worse. I planned out my meals for the day and then went to work. Work is a challenge in its own right. Working with food is tempting, but not as bad as I had thought at first. The frustrating part I am finding is not being able to taste the products I make. I know it's just a little thing, but I also know it can screw up the whole process. But I feel like I am only doing my job mediocre when I have to rely on others to taste things and tell me if they are ok, or right. But it's just another challenge I have to face. Today I am not feeling quite as tired, but I'm feeling more emotional. Perhaps even slightly depressed. I am missing my old comfort, and at the same time I am incredibly pissed that everything on tv seems to be about food. I am frustrated, that while my family is trying their best to be supportive, they also don't seem to quite get what I'm going through, and I am also sad that to some degree they don't care what they are putting in their body. I know parts of this are just selfishness, I have no right to judge what anyone does. I'm far from perfect, but it is also worry and concern for those close to me that by choosing to not care about what goes in their body, they are slowly killing themselves. I try not to think this way, but it is hard not to. Maybe I'm just jealous that they get to eat garlic bread and chili for dinner... who knows. In any instance, I am still excited and determined to continue this journey. I want to be healthy for my kids, and my husband. I want to have the energy to go to their sports games, or concerts, or whatever they may be involved in. I don't want to be tired all the time, and I don't want to think about food all day. I want to look and feel sexy! I want to do a cartwheel! I want to enjoy mother nature. I want to live! And that's why I'm doing this. I want to be alive and thrive like I never have before.

Starting Out

All my life I've been overweight. Never in my life do I even remember being under 200 lbs, although I don't imagine I came out of the womb that big. I have tried a few things to control my weight but despite most of them, I am still obese. I have a food addiction. I know this and I have known this for a long time. I don't like exercise. This probably has more to do with the fact that when you are obese, it's a bitch to move around. Your body screams at you and your mind just keeps saying "give up cow, why do you even try?" This is how I have lived most of my life. With a lot of body issues, and a lot of excuses, and a lot of self doubt. But, I have decided to make a change. A big change. A HUGE change. I'm taking my life in my hands and I'm making myself better. I need support. And I want to share my journey and hopefully inspire others as I go. I've come across a program that I have seen first hand work for others. Is this my miracle? It can be, if I make it so. I know it is up to me to be successful, and now I am going to "Take Shape for Life" and start living. Never have I felt so confident about something and so scared at the same time. And scared for perhaps some very odd reasons. Of course I am afraid of failure, but can you believe I am scared of being thin and healthy. As I said before I have always been overweight, and the idea of not being that is both exhilarating and scary as hell. So this is where it starts. Change. A healthier self. A long happy life with my beautiful family.