Generic life

Life has been interesting lately.  It's been a struggle as life usually is, some things are good some not so much.  Finances always seem to be an issue and I always seem to find myself struggling the most with my emotions and stress levels at the end of the month when our basic food items (Milk, Eggs, Fresh Fruits and Veggies) seem to dwindle and disappear.  With me running an eBay business some months are better than others, but this month seems particularly difficult for some reason.  More so the dealing with it emotionally than the situation itself actually being different.  It's this weird dynamic where I should go back to work to get a consistent paycheck, but if I do that then one of two things happens, I work the same shifts as Brian and we lose our food benefits and my paycheck goes to child care which defeats the purpose of me working, or I work an opposite shift as Brian, and we'd lose our Food benefits, and I'd never get to see my husband.  How do you decide?  I guess that is why I just keep up with my eBay as much as time allows.  So I can stay home with the boys, and still see my husband and not be stressed out by a different financial situation.  Money sucks.  But I have wonderful things in my life that make it less horrible being broke.  And if we could get rid of some of our debt it wouldn't be nearly as bad.  I feel like I am sounding like a spoiled entitled American with the position I am in as to whether to find a job outside the home or not.  Maybe I am.  I suppose the fact that I even have an option puts us in a much better position than many American's.
So enough of the financial rant.  I do want to talk about my Businesses as well.  I am happy with where things seem to be going.  On one hand I have this eBay business which is fun and produces extra income, and I know the harder I work at it the more successful and profitable it'll become.  I love it because it is MY business, and I can do what I want to do with it.  I also have another little side business that actually started quite casually.  I've been making celebration cakes.  I haven't done much cake decorating outside of school until this last year.  And it is definitely reigniting that passion and I am hoping to turn it around eventually into more of an actual business and not just a hobby business.  The biggest issue with the Celebration cake "business" vs the eBay business is that there is a lot more overhead and cost to run a legitimate brick and mortar business.   I'm currently only really making things for family and friends.  I want to move this business forward, but I'm not at a point where I have enough clientele to really honestly look into finding a commercial kitchen rental space.  But if I want more orders, I need to find a commercial kitchen rental space!  It is difficult finding the point to move forward without screwing myself over.  Blah!  It's all somewhat overwhelming.
On another plus side, I have started going to a gym.  I enjoy it and they have child care so the boys can go play while me and my lovely neighbor get our work out on.  We've been going about two weeks.  My biggest concern is the ability to afford it in the coming months.  I'm paid for 2 months, so I'm glad I get that time, but after that, it's going to be a struggle.  I guess we will just take it as it comes.  if we have the extra funds for it, great!  If not, I will find things to do at home to keep up my physical fitness.  The exercising has helped improve my energy and stamina which I love!  I've only lost two pounds but I know it'll be more the longer I stay.  One of the biggest downfalls I am finding is that Since I have started taking Jack to the child care there, his attitude has changed, and not for the better.  I thought socializing him more would be a good thing, but now he is acting out and throwing tantrums.  It's out of sorts for his behavior.  Maybe it is a phase and has nothing to do with the child care in the gym.  I can't really say, but either way, it's a new challenge we are facing and it is not a fun one.
Well, I guess that is life these days.  I am sure I will have a follow up post in a couple days because I feel like there is a lot more I want/need to talk about I am just unsure of how to verbalize it yet I suppose.  I feel like this is one of my more generic and boring posts, but isn't that the way life usually is, a little generic.  I guess we'll chat later dear audience!  As always, Thanks for reading!

Being 30 something

For me being in my thirties has been a unique sort of challenge.  On one hand, it seems like just yesterday I was a teenager and young adult.  I remember being reckless, and uncaring of many things.  Things that in hind site, perhaps I should have cared about more.  I remember midnight trips to Perkins to drink coffee with friends, or to Denny's at 2am to drink vanilla cokes.  I remember driving too fast, and playing the music too loud.  I remember being free.  Not having a care in the world, and just living in the moment.  I remember my parents (Who were in their 30's) being sticks in the mud about everything and being SO annoyed by them wanting to know my EVERY move. Controlling, and trying to keep my freedom from me.  It really does seem like this all just happen yesterday.
But now.... Now there is a new dynamic.  Now I care too much perhaps.  Now I am the one controlling.  I am the one needing to know my children's every move.  I am the one who worries that when they get older they will drive to fast, and play their music too loud.  I worry they will fall in with kids who will influence them negatively, or even worse, that they become the negative influencer.  I worry about my health.  I rarely drink soda anymore, nor do I eat much convenient food.  I cook.  A lot  And going to sleep any later then 10 pm is a HUGE deal!  Especially when we all wake up at the wee hour's around 5:00 am each morning!
Just a few short years ago, I would've laughed at anyone who would've told me that I would want to have a small farm, and raise my children to know where their food comes from, because just a few short years ago, I didn't care.  If someone had said just a few short years ago that I would be so wrapped up in the workings of our country, I would've told them, "That's doubtful, I hate politics!"  And while I still hate politics, I can't help but be hurt, moved, defensive, disgusted, angry, and proud of things that happen with politics and this country.  Sometimes there are amazing things, and sometimes there are things that suck.  A few short years ago, I did not care about any of it.
It is truly an interesting perspective to have on life when you are in your 30's.  It's like you have finally peaked and matured, you understand the importance of things and the importance of life, and you are responsible for the life of others as well.  You care about things you never thought possible, while still remembering very clearly what it was like when you didn't care about those things.  You become wiser, You become Stronger, but in a sense, maybe you feel like you have lost a part of yourself as well.  I know I do.  I often yearn for my past, but then I think about all the amazing and wonderful things I have gained from that past, and where it has put me today, and as much as I may miss parts of my past, I would never want to go back.  I love the life I have now, and the life I am striving towards.  I can't wait to see how I feel when I am in my 40's!

Updates on Life

Well, I have been thinking about writing this post for some time now.  Often times I feel it is difficult to do anything extra in life simply because the boys are SO busy.  But taking so long to write this post might also have something to do with the fact that overall I just feel ashamed of myself.  I've always promised to be honest on my blog and this is no different.  My journey is still my journey, even though I have not been on the medifast for about a year now.  So we'll start with that part of life, as this specific post is going to be more about life in general rather than just weight loss.

So, as I believe I mentioned in my last post, I have all but given up on my weight loss journey.  I never really intended to give up, but if you were to look at me right now, you would never know I was nearly 80 pounds lighter just one year ago.  I've exceeded my start weight from when I started on medifast and I have pretty much fallen down this deep dark hole of self pity and self doubt.  That is where I am at today.  I weigh nearly 350 pounds (Although might be more than that now as I have not stepped on a scale in at least a month) I am struggling with depression and trying to figure out how in the hell people get motivated when they are sitting on their asses killing themselves.  Seriously, props to the people who are successful because it is far far far far from easy.  Maybe that is the problem, maybe I want something easy.... Well of course I want something easy, who doesn't want easy.... But, I am realistic person and I know that achieving any kind of goal takes a lot of hard work, a great support system, and a lack of self doubt.  I live in this weird state of mind where, I know exactly what I need to do, and exactly what needs to happen in my life and my diet in order to be healthy and happy, and yet, I still find it nearly impossible to do these simple actions.  Simple yes, easy no....

You would also be surprised how much self doubt and depression can affect your mood towards the other people in your life.  I remember when I was on the medifast, I was SO happy, all the time.  My relationship with my boys was amazing, I rarely ever yelled at them or lost my temper, I was happy!  I was nowhere near my weight loss goal, but I was working towards it and I. Was. Happy.  Now I try to be happy.  But I lose my temper a lot with my children, I cry a lot, I yell at my kids and quite frankly feel like I am doing a shitty job at this parenting thing.  I know it all starts with me and I know what I need to do so why is it so hard???  I want to be a better mom for my boys and a better wife for my husband.  I want to be able to be active and not just sit on my ass all the time but I am quite lost and trying to figure out where that motivation is supposed to come from.  How do I start?  Where do I start?  Who's going to help me be accountable?  Maybe I don't want to be held accountable.  If I am not held accountable I can't disappoint anyone, right?  I know a lot of people in my life think I am just flakey, and I can never make up my mind.  I think there is a fine line between being flakey and being unhappy and searching for something in a way that really isn't going to make the situation better until you choose to accept that YOU need to change.

See look at all this knowledge and understanding I have.  And yet, I just sit here, and do nothing.  I know I need to do something.  For once in my life I am actually scared that my weight is going to kill me, and not 50 years from now.  I hope that my next blog post, whenever it may be, will bring better news of how I have found this willpower to do things I never thought possible!  I know I can I'm just still trying to figure out how I guess.  I apologize for the rant, but thank you for caring enough to read.

Updates and Disappointments

I had a friend request I post a new blog update.  I have been avoiding this exact thing, as I am honestly, ashamed and disappointed with my progress on weight loss.  In fact, there is no progress, only failure.  Food is an evil evil necessary, and I love it so much and I hate it so much.  I am pretty much completely back to my old ways of eating.  Perhaps even a little worse, simply because falling off the path has lead to a path of self destruction and depression.  It is hard to actually type this, because I honestly don't want to admit where I am at with everything.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I don't want people to see me, and I don't want people to be disappointed with me.  I don't want my family to be disappointed with me.  I know what I need to get back on track, and I know what my body needs and how to take care of myself, so why is it that I let myself get sucked into this horrible state of mind, and "give up" and stop caring about myself?  Why do I eat until I feel bloated and then feel incredibly guilty about it?  Why can't I just embrace happiness and live in happiness and stop being so goddamn self destructive?  Why can't I break these unhealthy habits, and feed myself and my family better?  I ask myself these questions a lot.  And it seems like the more I rationalize eating something I shouldn't, or even more importantly, eating MORE than I should, I get more and more depressed about it, and it becomes harder and harder to correct the path I am going down.  I'm not trying to get sympathy, or pity, or anything like that.  I know that I am the only one who can change things, I just can't seem to figure out why I can't do it.  What is it in my head that makes me fail.  When I am so knowledgeable about what I NEED to do, why do I choose the wrong thing?  WHY WHY WHY???  I am beyond mad at myself, and yet, I keep doing the same thing.  I don't have answers.  If I had answers then maybe I wouldn't be the way I am.  If I was more like my husband and had some self control and didn't feel so addicted to everything I touched, maybe I wouldn't be like this.  I have this crazy weird personality where, when I find something I like, I INDULGE.  I've been like this as long as I can remember and not just with food.  When I started smoking at age 18, I started with one cigarette.  By the end of the first week of smoking, I was up to a pack, and by the time I finally quit, I was smoking 2-3 packs a day.  Fortunately, I only smoked for seven years.  But smoking you can give up completely.  Eating you can't.  I am smart.  I know that if I ever pick up another cigarette, I will be smoking two packs a day again within a month.  So I don't do it.  But you can't do that with food.  You can't quit food.  You HAVE to eat.  And that is the challenge, eating what you need and not more.  It's exhausting.  I hate food.  I hate food just as much as I love food, and sometimes, I hate myself for loving it so much.  I've put on about 20 pounds since I went off the Take Shape for Life program.  I know why, I know exactly what I am doing to my body.  I just need to pull myself out of this destructive path and figure out how in the hell to stop being so so so self destructive.  Hopefully some day things will be heading in a positive direction again, and hopefully I can figure out all this mental crap that goes with all the unhealthy eating crap.  But for now, here I am, as honest as I can be.  I will try to stop hiding and post more with updates, I just hope that my readers aren't as disappointed as I know they should be.

A new week! 3 months!

Since my last post I have been working on turning things around for myself and I think it's working. I'm still struggling to cut my coffee intake but trying to use sugar alternatives to cut some of those unnecessary carbs, or using less sugar syrup.  I've also been watching my portion sizes a lot more, which has often been an issue. I know eating healthy foods is a great thing, but when you binge on them it doesn't make it any better for your body, and I've been a binge eater as long as I can remember!  I don't keep snack type foods and process foods in my house, because if I do, I will eat them. So I shop as healthy as we can afford (we eat a lot of chicken breasts, cauliflower, canned tomatoes, and zucchini) and I keep the junk food out. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not having a quick snack in the house, but because I don't have it, I can't eat it! Good philosophy right?  Well whatever I did in the last week has earned me to lose four pounds. So while I was 278 last Friday, this morning I was back down to 274.  I'm moving in the right direction and this little bit of weight loss makes me feel re-energized and re-focused.  As promised I have new pictures this month although I don't feel like there is much of a difference from last month. I'm happy to be back on a positive path and moving forward once again!

Set Backs

Well, this weeks blog post is going to be hard.  First of all, in case you haven't noticed, it is later than usual.  Part of this is life, part of this is embarrassment, and part of this is shame.  It has been a rough few days.  When I first ran out of replacement meals, I was doing pretty good with eating right and eating healthy.  The last few days, I have been slipping.  I feel myself spiraling down.  I am trying to find my feet and pull myself back up, but sometimes once you start to fall, it is awfully hard to get back up.  One thing I swore to myself when I started this blog, is that I would always be honest with my readers.  I don't want there to be any falsity to this blog, and I want people to know, I am a real person, and I have VERY real struggles.  This week has been a crappy week.  Each day it seems like I have somehow rationalized putting something in my body that I shouldn't, or eating more of a certain thing than I should.  These are things I have always done my entire life, and so breaking this way of thinking is a big big big big challenge.  I have still been making sure to fix lean and green meals for dinner.  But, sometimes I eat more of those than I should, and often times, I eat things I shouldn't for breakfast or lunch.  Sometimes I get so pissed off, and I just want to say F-it!  Especially when I know there are people out there (like my wonderful hubby) who can put whatever the hell they want in there body, and they stay thin.  It frustrates me so much that I can't enjoy food the way others can.  It makes me so angry!  SO ANGRY!  I don't want to think about every tiny thing I put in my body.  I feel like trying to be healthy and live a healthy life is consuming me in ways that I don't want it to.  Why can't I just live???  WHY does everything I eat have to be carefully considered.  Why can't I just enjoy food???
I know why.  I know the reason is because I can't just enjoy food, I devour it.  I over enjoy and over indulge in it.  I eat until I can barely move, and I make myself sick doing it.  I can't just enjoy food because I am beyond that point.  I am addicted to the quick fixes that it gives me.  The problem is, those quick fixes lead to some serious long term damage.  One of which is very likely death.  It's scary to think about.  But, if I don't force myself to think about those things, then, I will keep spiraling.  I have gained 5 pounds back in the last week.  And that is how my week has been.  I'm not going to go into detail about every little thing I have put in my body the last week, because it's a lot.  I'm not going to tell you how many times I have waited for my husband to go to sleep so I could raid the fridge without anyone knowing.  I'm not going to mention how many sugary lattes I have consumed either.  Just know that, it's all led up to me being back to 278.  It is hard pulling myself out of this.  But I have to.  I have to find the strength.  I have to stop being so scared of the greatness that can come out of being healthy, instead of being so set in my ways with the unhealthy.  I love everyone's support, and right now I need it more than ever.  I will be back next week with hopefully a better update.

Week 10!

So this week's post is a little late.  Between not feeling really well, and the kids, it has been difficult finding the time to actually type this weeks weigh in results and how my week went!  So, Here we go!
This week has been an interesting challenge, but one that I feel I have dealt with fairly well!  Financially, we are in a bit of a bind at the moment.  I haven't worked since Jack broke his leg, and so we are living off one full time income, and rent from my mom who also lives with us.  Anyway, with the boys, and us adults, we rely on food stamps for the core of our food purchase's.  The meal replacements for Take Shape for Life, are, sadly, not covered by food stamps.  So even though the price is very comparable to your grocery bill every month, we just don't have the extra money for it at this time.  Which sucks, because it has been working so so well.  HOWEVER, I am making the best of it, and eating as healthy as possible.  Lean and Greens for my meals.  With the exception of a high fiber, high protein, low carb wrap I shared with my son the other day, and a little bit of fruit here and there, I haven't really added any extra carbs to my diet!  Which means that I haven't indulged in Pasta, Potatoes, or Rice.  And honestly, I don't really even want to (Except sushi which I ALWAYS want, haha)  So overall I feel like I am doing pretty dang good without the meal replacements.  I haven't lost any weight this week, however; I have stayed at 273 all week.  I have weighed myself almost daily, to check in and make sure things are at least staying the same.  I am disappointed I am not losing weight, but I am also not suprised.  The meal replacements kind of take the guess work out of getting the right nutrition and calories you need into your body!  I am still learning a lot about all the nutrition stuff, and how the body works, so it is difficult to really get the results I am looking for at this point, without the ease of the meal replacements.  That is just one more reason I love the program, it makes it easy to eat healthy and lose weight, but it also educates as you go!  I am hoping that in the near future we are in a better financial situation and I can get right back on plan.  In the mean time, I am going to eat healthy and bump up my activity level!  I think bumping up my activity level will help also while I don't have the meal replacements, but we will see what my body does!
Now with all that being said, I want to talk about Starchy foods for a moment.  This has become a very interesting topic in my mind, and here is why.  I don't know how many of you have tried Cauliflower Pizza, instead of Bread dough pizza, or Spaghettie squash, instead of Pasta, or Cauliflower Rice, instead of White Rice, or Cauliflower Mash, instead of Mashed Potatoes, or using Zucchini instead of oatmeal or panko in your meatloaf, but, I have tried all of these things since starting this lifestyle change and I have to say, in general, I almost always like the vegetable version over the starchy version.  I could eat Cauliflower pizza everyday, Not even joking.  And the other day when I tried mashed cauliflower, I was blown away.  It tasted almost identical to mashed potatoes!  I grew up with starches being a large part of meals, as I am sure most of you did also.  I have lived most of my life indulging in starchy carb heavy foods like most people in the world, and I guess where all this is leading to is, why are we such a starch heavy, carb heavy society, when these alternatives to the carbs and starch are so dang delicious and so much healthier!?  Now, I am fully aware that you need carbs to survive, So I don't want to give the wrong idea and say NO CARBS EVER!  But I am also fully aware that if you eat your vegetables, you will get most of the carbs that your body needs.  So anyway, I challenge you all to try to replace one of those items with a vegetable alternative, and just see what you think!  I think you will be pleasantly suprised for sure!  In fact, my husband, who has always made it well known how much he hates squash, LOVED the Spaghetti sauce over Spaghetti Squash we had for dinner last night!  Now, I will stop ranting about nutrition (haha.)  I hope you've enjoyed my post this week and I look forward to next weeks weigh in.  Oh and two new recipes going up tomorrow or the next day, so I hope you will check them out!