Well, this weeks blog post is going to be hard. First of all, in case you haven't noticed, it is later than usual. Part of this is life, part of this is embarrassment, and part of this is shame. It has been a rough few days. When I first ran out of replacement meals, I was doing pretty good with eating right and eating healthy. The last few days, I have been slipping. I feel myself spiraling down. I am trying to find my feet and pull myself back up, but sometimes once you start to fall, it is awfully hard to get back up. One thing I swore to myself when I started this blog, is that I would always be honest with my readers. I don't want there to be any falsity to this blog, and I want people to know, I am a real person, and I have VERY real struggles. This week has been a crappy week. Each day it seems like I have somehow rationalized putting something in my body that I shouldn't, or eating more of a certain thing than I should. These are things I have always done my entire life, and so breaking this way of thinking is a big big big big challenge. I have still been making sure to fix lean and green meals for dinner. But, sometimes I eat more of those than I should, and often times, I eat things I shouldn't for breakfast or lunch. Sometimes I get so pissed off, and I just want to say F-it! Especially when I know there are people out there (like my wonderful hubby) who can put whatever the hell they want in there body, and they stay thin. It frustrates me so much that I can't enjoy food the way others can. It makes me so angry! SO ANGRY! I don't want to think about every tiny thing I put in my body. I feel like trying to be healthy and live a healthy life is consuming me in ways that I don't want it to. Why can't I just live??? WHY does everything I eat have to be carefully considered. Why can't I just enjoy food???
I know why. I know the reason is because I can't just enjoy food, I devour it. I over enjoy and over indulge in it. I eat until I can barely move, and I make myself sick doing it. I can't just enjoy food because I am beyond that point. I am addicted to the quick fixes that it gives me. The problem is, those quick fixes lead to some serious long term damage. One of which is very likely death. It's scary to think about. But, if I don't force myself to think about those things, then, I will keep spiraling. I have gained 5 pounds back in the last week. And that is how my week has been. I'm not going to go into detail about every little thing I have put in my body the last week, because it's a lot. I'm not going to tell you how many times I have waited for my husband to go to sleep so I could raid the fridge without anyone knowing. I'm not going to mention how many sugary lattes I have consumed either. Just know that, it's all led up to me being back to 278. It is hard pulling myself out of this. But I have to. I have to find the strength. I have to stop being so scared of the greatness that can come out of being healthy, instead of being so set in my ways with the unhealthy. I love everyone's support, and right now I need it more than ever. I will be back next week with hopefully a better update.
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