Updates and Disappointments

I had a friend request I post a new blog update.  I have been avoiding this exact thing, as I am honestly, ashamed and disappointed with my progress on weight loss.  In fact, there is no progress, only failure.  Food is an evil evil necessary, and I love it so much and I hate it so much.  I am pretty much completely back to my old ways of eating.  Perhaps even a little worse, simply because falling off the path has lead to a path of self destruction and depression.  It is hard to actually type this, because I honestly don't want to admit where I am at with everything.  I just want to disappear most of the time.  I don't want people to see me, and I don't want people to be disappointed with me.  I don't want my family to be disappointed with me.  I know what I need to get back on track, and I know what my body needs and how to take care of myself, so why is it that I let myself get sucked into this horrible state of mind, and "give up" and stop caring about myself?  Why do I eat until I feel bloated and then feel incredibly guilty about it?  Why can't I just embrace happiness and live in happiness and stop being so goddamn self destructive?  Why can't I break these unhealthy habits, and feed myself and my family better?  I ask myself these questions a lot.  And it seems like the more I rationalize eating something I shouldn't, or even more importantly, eating MORE than I should, I get more and more depressed about it, and it becomes harder and harder to correct the path I am going down.  I'm not trying to get sympathy, or pity, or anything like that.  I know that I am the only one who can change things, I just can't seem to figure out why I can't do it.  What is it in my head that makes me fail.  When I am so knowledgeable about what I NEED to do, why do I choose the wrong thing?  WHY WHY WHY???  I am beyond mad at myself, and yet, I keep doing the same thing.  I don't have answers.  If I had answers then maybe I wouldn't be the way I am.  If I was more like my husband and had some self control and didn't feel so addicted to everything I touched, maybe I wouldn't be like this.  I have this crazy weird personality where, when I find something I like, I INDULGE.  I've been like this as long as I can remember and not just with food.  When I started smoking at age 18, I started with one cigarette.  By the end of the first week of smoking, I was up to a pack, and by the time I finally quit, I was smoking 2-3 packs a day.  Fortunately, I only smoked for seven years.  But smoking you can give up completely.  Eating you can't.  I am smart.  I know that if I ever pick up another cigarette, I will be smoking two packs a day again within a month.  So I don't do it.  But you can't do that with food.  You can't quit food.  You HAVE to eat.  And that is the challenge, eating what you need and not more.  It's exhausting.  I hate food.  I hate food just as much as I love food, and sometimes, I hate myself for loving it so much.  I've put on about 20 pounds since I went off the Take Shape for Life program.  I know why, I know exactly what I am doing to my body.  I just need to pull myself out of this destructive path and figure out how in the hell to stop being so so so self destructive.  Hopefully some day things will be heading in a positive direction again, and hopefully I can figure out all this mental crap that goes with all the unhealthy eating crap.  But for now, here I am, as honest as I can be.  I will try to stop hiding and post more with updates, I just hope that my readers aren't as disappointed as I know they should be.